more feeling all the time, please (new year's resolutions)

It is very tasty, being held in suspense by my own life. I’m beginning 2022 as a newly-single English teacher living in middle-of-nowhere Japan, whereas this time last year, I was plodding towards marriage in Napa Valley and permitting T-Mobile cell towers for $21/hour. I hope that in a few years, I’ll have fallen into even more happenstance situations, like being a polyamorous flight attendant based in the Middle East or a commune farmer crying through an Eat, Pray, Love moment somewhere humid and vaguely spiritual. Or maybe I’ll be back in San Francisco, selling my soul for stock options. In any case, I’m writing to you with optimism and anticipation, ready for the adventure to unfold and the Universe to steer me towards a greater (or just different) next chapter.

​In 2021, I did a little bit of everything and a whole lot of nothing, too. 

The majority of the year was spent in the Bay Area, solidifying my spatial understanding of the region to a degree that only pandemic-induced travel limitations could. I scoured Facebook events for things to do, took walks and picnicked and binge-watched until it became stale, and spent copious amounts of time in cities I never gave a second thought to: St. Helena, Vallejo, Benicia. I permitted ADUs in damn near every Bay Area county, memorized building codes on septic boreholes and firewall separation, and caught a small glimpse of yuppie life. 

I took two trips, first to Los Angeles, then to Portland, where I looked at art, shopped a lot, and ate even more. I baked hundreds of financiers as BOOBAKES, upped my meal prep game, and Chloe Ting-ed my way into an appreciation of exercise. I was comforted by domesticity, which in turn, discomforted me. 

I read 20 books, the most memorable being The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune, A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, and Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner. I listened to Radiolab for days straight. I cried to FKA Twigs and Caroline Polachek and SZA. I rekindled my love of stories, the English language, and most of all, feeling heard. I found that I am worthy of all three. 

I learned many things about myself (mostly okay, objectively), my disposition towards work (it’s bad and I don’t like it), the world (give it to me please), and love (welcome in all flavors and intensities). I measured my life out in coffee spoons - to borrow from TS Eliot - and decided I want to use ladlefuls going forward. I embraced my identity as a morning person, romantic, and believer (not in Christ, but generally). 

Most notably, I moved to Kanoya in Kagoshima Prefecture, Japan. Kanoya is Japan’s most populous city with zero train access, famous for roses and amberjack fish. All things considered, it’s pretty swag, and it’s home until August 2023. 
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Last year, I made a vision board for 2021. I looked over it again and found that so much of it still sticks. I had a lovely little Undertale moment, realizing that after everything, it really is still me. 

The vision board is written in present tense because I believe in manifestation and abundance mindsets and all that jazz. The idea is that if you speak like things are already happening, then in a sense, they are. I know, I know! I’m easy to make fun of!

Nonetheless, here are some snippets that continue to resonate. Feel free to use them as affirmations: 

• I have a calm, in-control mind. I release anxiety over situations that I cannot control. I embrace what must happen. I avoid unnecessary exertion and recognize that not every situation needs to be capitalized upon to the fullest extent.
• I express gratitude for my health. I know that my imperfections are a small part of me and an even smaller part of who I am as a person. I feel blessed to have a form free of pain and ailment.
• I love listening to people who are smarter than me and have good ideas to share. It is so exciting to learn and be engaged in new ways of thinking about and observing the world. 
• I love stories! I make it a point to continue consuming them in all forms, with priority to books, which feel the most intimate and deeply impactful to me. 
• I am intelligent and creative. I am interesting. I am joyful. I am cultured and well-traveled. I have an open ear and kind words to say. I care about the well-being of people. I am willing to give. I am practical but not insensitive. I am reliable. I am loved and loving.
• I happily spend and donate money because I have more than enough. I am fearless when investing in personal and professional development, self-care, and items that affirm the self. I use money to make myself and my environment reflect my desires.

• I open more of myself to my family. I am proactive in finding activities for us to do together. I am kind with our limited time. I am warm and generous. I am forgiving. I stop reacting out of anger or embarrassment. I am never mean or spiteful. I work to love my family just as I would love a friend. 

That was 2021. Lots of change and lots of the same, but overall, a novel (haha…), topsy-turvy year that was about as gentle as I could hope for. 
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So what are my resolutions for 2022? I have a few SMART goals (specific, measurable, and so on) and many more broad wishes, which I think is a pretty good overview of my mindset at any given moment. I categorized them into general blocks based on what I’m focusing on nowadays. Just as important as what is written is what is purposefully omitted. 

Creativity:

• Make 12 substantial creative works in 2022. Most likely they will all be blogs, but I haven’t lost hope that one day I’ll find the inspiration to write a short play or draw a picture again. Thank you for encouraging me to create! 
• Continue taking ikebana class.
• Continue taking extremely mediocre film photos. 
• Read at least 12 books. 

Health: 

• Run 365 miles. That’s 587.4 kilometers for all you non-Americans. I think this is doable, although I may have a very miserable December if I fall behind. 
• Run a ½ marathon. Aiming for April, but I’ll give myself the leeway of a year just in case. I haven’t had a free weekend in months, so I’m worried about how I’m going to find the time to train for this goal. But also like, what a good problem to have - “I have so many fun things to do that I don’t have time to run!” I will figure it out and jog a nice, slow ½ marathon while giving thanks for my able body and willpower to persevere. My reward will be buying a pair of Nike Zoom Flys. 
• Eat well. What does that mean? It means eating delicious, regional food all over Japan with zero guilt, as well as continuing to meal prep nutritious food on a weekly basis. It means intermittent fasting when it serves me (but never to the detriment of my social life) and doing longer 1-3 day fasts when I feel so inclined. 
• I’m allowed one superficial goal and it is that I want abs. I'm not actually going to concretely work towards this because following an exercise program geared solely around core sounds tedious, but maybe a series of good habits (running, not eating dessert every single day) somehow gets me here. I promise I’ll post gratuitous bikini pics if I make it, so please collectively manifest this goal with me. 

Minimalism:

• Declutter my house. I inherited a mountain of junk from my predecessors that I currently store in what I have dubbed “The Trash Room.” Finding the proper channels to dispose of appliances and furniture within Japan’s heinously complicated trash collection system may kill me, but I will find a way to lug an entire, splintery, dust-coated bed frame into my tiny Kei-car and haul it to the nearest dump that accepts it, even if it takes multiple trips and I have to hack it into pieces with a kitchen knife first. When I finally accomplish this feat, I will replace the bright-blue sheets and leaf-patterned curtains I was gifted with much more subtle linen sheets and curtains, gaining me +10 minimalism points. 

Love:

• Relationships are the area of my life where I’ve experienced the most change, both on paper and in the mind. My opinions on the matter are still in flux, but for now, I’ve decided that I want to fall in love as many times as possible. I’m accepting all varieties - platonic, romantic, short-lived, long-term, casual, committed. Let’s be friends, let’s love places and moments and experiences. More feeling all the time, please. 

Experiential Knowledge:

• I have one or two subject matters that interest me at the moment, neither of which are entirely healthy or good for me or the world. I’m working on it. Ask me in 3 months if I got anywhere.
• I aspire to be a beach bum this summer. Kagoshima has gorgeous, empty beaches because Japanese people are weirdly averse to swimming in the ocean. This works in my favor. I will lounge and sit in the sun and frolic. It’s a one-word resolution: relax. 
• Have a good think on what’s next for me post-JET. I keep saying things out loud in the hopes that one will stick. Bartender in a resort town. Baker, but like, a sexy one. Masters student in Germany. Any niche educational program that provides me with a visa and stipend. Peace Corps in Fiji, or maybe an African country, then placement with a government agency. A building-related job in an underpopulated US state, like Montana or Oklahoma. Housewife? There are an infinite number of circumstances that would bring me joy. I have faith that I’ll end up in one of them, just like I have been up until this point. 

To summarize: Write. Read. Run. Eat. Make Space. Connect. Learn. Chill. Think. 
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2022 will be a fun year for me, one that focuses on expression and experience and enjoyment. I am in the early stages of something pivotal, and I think you can sense it too. I want to experience all the crevices of emotion: fierce happiness and heartbreak, true pain and euphoria, sincere longing and belonging. Life is coming from me, not at me. 

I continue to be a minimalist, an experimentalist, and a woman, phenomenally. I am capable of great and storied love; I want you to join me in it. 
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If you feel inclined to share, I’m interested in learning about your hopes for 2022 and being an accountability partner and champion for you. You are always welcome to message me on Twitter (@booritney). Tú eres mi otro yo.