hi friends. i am deep in the weeds of ethical philosophy, fervently wading through hundreds of hours worth of content in my quest to live in alignment with my morals. sounds very dramatic, but it's really me nodding in front of a laptop or along to a podcast for 4+ hours a day. in any case, i'm synthesizing and digesting and emoting (and writing) -- but badly and slowly -- so i'm uploading this instead of an actual piece.
click "read more" to see my january journal, which contains one (1) half-baked, barely comprehensible thought i had on each day of the month. i do keep a private journal for musings that are less cryptic and faux-poetic, but this format was a fun exercise in writing without the pressure to communicate. it's just me playing with words! enjoy!
1.1: weird weird weird. harder to fake it, nowadays. but there is friendship, hot water, and a conbini on every corner. eat a chocolate, chug a strong zero, pray to your higher power - let’s have a love-filled bender of a year.
1.2: crying to caroline polachek, eating citrus, gutted, h**** (yes, on main). in love with life - wondering if it loves me back. grateful anyways. the other h**** too, the one with two p's. here for you, if you need it. think of me when you fall asleep
1.3: kicking off a 48-hour fast. spiritual starvation is a health trick. detox just to retox, as patrick would say. snotty nose from decluttering dust; used tissues remind me of your scolding. hey, listen, i’m trying to clean, trying to make space for the good stuff.
1.4: kettle’s been on all day - trying to simulate a full stomach with heat. twitter notifications are dopamine for the writer’s mind. i type to get more praise. this afternoon, i committed to another year of japan life - hoping that you all do the same, but happy for you if you decide that you can’t.
1.5: woke up at 6 am with the sudden urge to make money again. want to blame it on a calorie-deficient stupor but think it might actually be my will. fuck, i hate the phase of learning where everything’s confusing and i’m bad at it all.
1.6: speaking of ethical dilemmas, when are you obligated to tell someone you might have been exposed to covid. sidebar, maybe i am kind of sexy?
1.7: wild friday night reading greta gerwig's little women screenplay. the inside of my house is cold enough to see my breath. i'm having tea cookies and i'm wearing a coat.
(bad omens plague me: a bird falling from the sky, the slack face of a four-legged animal on the side of the road, a fallen leaf from my bonsai not yet 2 weeks in my possession. i close my eyes to them all. the sun was out today, and there is sugar on my tongue.)
1.8: rushing. rushing, so rest grows long. let’s cry in public! let’s fuck in private. let’s pace ourselves.
1.9: the sun is my sister. i want my tongue scrubbed clean. the hostel is empty and so am i, just for tonight.
1.10: cold water is fun! nani-nani about renewal! cleansing! the plunge...yes, that’s it. shocked...settling...adjusted! under i go!
1.11: ooou, routine feels nice when you haven’t worn it for a while - like winter boots after the first chill. my eyelids are heavy, so are my sneakers. we’re getting good at cutting losses; we’re starting to feel like winners despite.
1.12: i <3 sluts!
1.13: i <3 reading!
1.14: i <3 sunshine!
1.15: i <3 running! (my knees disagree)
1.16: i’d like to bike the ragbrai in 2024 and i’d like to see you and you and you when the borders reopen. it’s a new state of being: planning for years out, planning on whims, planning across continents instead of when i’ll have enough vacation days or after i’ve saved x dollars or once i’ve accomplished this or that. it’s neat, my belief that i’ll be alive and well and excited to be in the world for years to come.
1.17: describing myself in three words. emotive. sincere. self-assured. (other candidates: chill, goal-oriented, introspective, effortful).
1.18: my honeymoon phase with japan is ending, but i’m going to cling on as long as i can.
1.19: i’m feeling insufficient, in a word. not exactly tender, but a little banged up. like i scraped my knees, but i was screaming “wheeeeee” all the way down. i’m still happy, but because i choose to default to it and not because i’m feeling it. i’m happy, but in the heavy-hearted way. i’m happy for you, not happy full-stop. oh, everything is spiraling and the blurred world is beautiful.
1.20: i’m insecure, but only when we’re speaking about love. was it three days ago that i described myself as self-assured? funny, i need good news to please come quick and remind me of that.
1.21: minor health issues: a migraine (my first ever), a nosebleed, a swollen hand. prophetic?
1.22: desperation excites me. that’s the fun in pushing people away - you get to beg for them again.
1.23: giving side eye and saying ‘i’m literally right here.’
1.24: my extreme faith in the universe makes me foolish, and i wouldn't have it any other way :)
1.25: i was gifted a new set of three words to describe myself over twitter dm: lucky, happy, competent. i crave situations where all i can do is what is in front of me - where an option is chosen for me and my only responsibility is to respond to it with grace.
1.26: i need baseline stability and fitness to continue my fad, ascetic-adjacent interests - fasting, minimalism, running, and so on. we’ll see what comes, come what may.
1.27: too many lists and not enough crossing off.
1.28: you ultimately decide the fantasy ✨ (message of love from my friend mia)
1.29: sesame oil is the elixir of life. anoint me with it.
1.30: vulnerability is like pulling teeth. oft necessary, but painful every time.
1.31: writer, runner, teacher, lover. butcher, baker, candlestick maker. minimalist, altruist, girl next door, perpetual novice, open to more. i’m sending you love on this warm monday morning, i have carrots for munching and apples for coring. the kettle is on and there’s plenty of light, i hope you are happy, i hope you’re alright.